“Don’t move here.” — Native Port­lander, Ricky Dumps
A coura­geous, pre­sum­ably-long­time res­i­dent of Port­land, Ore­gon shared an anony­mous account of his expe­ri­ences encom­pass­ing all 6 pil­lars of human tribu­la­tion in the area’s room want­ed Craigslist, yes­ter­day morn­ing. To keep things sen­si­cal, I’ll refer to him in this work as Ricky Dumps.
 
Lit­tle infor­ma­tion is read­i­ly avail­able regard­ing Dumps, but he claims to make “5,000 a month” from his 4 jobs, and we can spec­u­late that he sup­ports Tump, or knows at least a sin­gle Tump­ist whom he trusts.
 
“I’m being seri­ous - peo­ple won’t rent to you if your a trump sup­port­er.”
 
If you so desired, you might even con­clude that Ricky is a bit vanil­la” when it comes to his sex­u­al­i­ty, as he seems to be quite uncom­fort­able deal­ing in prox­im­i­ty of kinky weird crap females,” and sex in exchange for a liv­ing space,” but his entire sto­ry is rid­dled with sim­i­lar accounts of his immo­la­tion at the whims of the city, and it reads like a cheat sheet for human adver­si­ty.
 
The first pil­lar — Pover­ty
The unrea­son­able­ness of Portland’s cost of liv­ing is per­haps Dumps’ strongest argu­ment. He claims that “[the] aver­age rent here is 90% of your income,” and insists that one’s chances of pur­chas­ing prop­er­ty are just as remote thanks to an influx of out-of-state buy­ers intent on “charg­ing way too much” rent.
 
Slav­ery
Ricky’s ten­ants do not allow him to have com­pa­ny over, but eludes to their expec­ta­tion of him to clean their house when they mess it up.”
 
Iso­la­tion
In mat­ters of the heart, Ricky’s prospects are grim in the face of the het­ero­pho­bia col­lud­ing unbri­dled in slump­town. If you are sin­gle this is not the place to meet any­one unless your gay. Don’t try and have your own opin­ion about some­thing oth­er­wise you will be shunned.”
 
Oppres­sion
In shar­ing his strug­gles with park­ing spaces, Dumps laps­es into the non­sen­si­cal tirade of a long-strug­gling work­ing man, sen­tences away from snap­ping. They don’t do dick in Ore­gon,” he con­cludes.
 
Famine
Per­haps Ricky’s last remain­ing joy of home could have been Portland’s cui­sine were its costs not out­ra­geous.” Despite his exu­ber­ant employ­ment, he has been rel­e­gat­ed to Lit­tle Cae­sars or fast food,” pre­dis­pos­ing him to feel­ing more depressed, anx­ious, and con­fused.
 
Alien­ation
“This place is not the heav­en it once was,” he laments, cit­ing local women” abus­ing crazy drugs,” and a nomadic, RV-bound fam­i­ly of 4,” though I could not find the referred nar­ra­tive upon fur­ther research. It’s not clear how Ricky would change Portland’s cul­ture, exact­ly, though his reflec­tion on the con­se­quences of chill­in with a bro house” seems like too-spe­cif­ic a ref­er­ence to be any­thing but a past per­son­al expe­ri­ence. I am unfa­mil­iar with bro house,” as are my sources, but appar­ent­ly spend­ing one’s time with it won’t fly… in a gay com­mu­ni­ty.”
 
Per­haps The City of Ros­es is tru­ly a lost cause for breed­er hope, but there is heart to be tak­en in the ges­ture of this Craigslist klax­on, itself. Tes­ti­mo­ny is tes­ti­mo­ny; a warn­ing is still a warn­ing, and - like a wolf’s howl-bark, alert­ing the pack to dan­ger, they are pro­pelled by an innate com­mu­nal desire to spare suf­fer­ing. The medi­um is not impor­tant - it was human con­cern that com­pelled Ricky Dumps to call out from his finan­cial and ide­o­log­i­cal prison in a res­olute attempt to spare a stranger from the tor­ture he’s endured. For him, expos­ing Ore­gon tran­sits[?] is a right­eous cause,” and - as the ash­es fall and the wild­fires rage on - he is root­ed some­where in the depths of his home city, brave­ly unwa­ver­ing in the face of tribu­la­tions cul­tur­al and nat­ur­al.
 
“I will just keep post­ing.”
Dumps has not yet respond­ed to requests of him to spec­i­fy which cur­ren­cy he was refer­ring to here, if any.
Edi­tor-in-Chief