Digital Noosphere New Perspective Spectacle Words

Criticizing the Critics

Your Yelp reviews suck because they look like you.
It’s bad to pro­file peo­ple. Stereo­types are abun­dant in this day and age, and I can assure you with the utmost cer­tain­ty that these stereo­types — be they of reli­gious, cul­tur­al, or racial groups — are absolute­ly fal­si­fied con­structs. You can­not gauge peo­ple based on how they look or speak. Peo­ple will be peo­ple, and you must tru­ly under­stand those peo­ple before you can pass judg­ment upon them.
 
Unless, of course, they’ve post­ed a review on Yelp or Google with­in the past year.
 
Online crit­ics, in my expe­ri­ence, are hor­ri­ble peo­ple.
 
The tales they weave of their dis­con­tent at the near­est sushi bar or burg­er joint are rife with incon­sis­ten­cies. In the same string of words that claim the taco they ate was the “worst of all time,” they’ll admit that they’ve nev­er eat­en a taco before in their lives.
 
Crit­ics: if you’ve ever reviewed a food and thought that your detailed, scathing para­graphs about the tex­ture and taste of an item you could nev­er pos­si­bly hope to accom­plish the cre­ation of in your own kitchen are going to be her­ald­ed as the epit­o­me of a food review and ush­ered into the Yelp Hall of Fame, you are dead wrong.
 
Your mid-3os soc­cer mom with a bob hair­cut that demands to speak to a man­ag­er at every estab­lish­ment they walk in to regard­less of whether or not they’ve been there before atti­tude stops with me.
 
I’m review­ing the review­ers. They’re going to be local to me in the hopes that they find and read this arti­cle, and sub­se­quent­ly attempt to hunt me down and kill me.
 
The names of these hor­ri­ble chil­dren in adult bod­ies have been changed so that their actu­al chil­dren don’t read this arti­cle and real­ize that their par­ents should be shunned and dis­re­spect­ed.
Cucum­ber Dream
Cucum­ber Dream here just got a kebab from a Per­sian kebab food cart. Nat­u­ral­ly, being that she picked a food cart — where the gen­er­al idea of the food is to con­tain meat — she pur­chased the “veg­gie” kebab, and imme­di­ate­ly com­plained about it.
 
Does Cucum­ber Dream bring this con­cern up to the pur­vey­or of the food?
 
Pre­sum­ably not.
 
Instead, Cucum­ber Dream takes sev­en dol­lars worth of eas­i­ly replace­able kebab — well, if she had gen­er­at­ed the decen­cy to raise her com­plaints to the chef, of course — and toss­es it direct­ly into the trash.
 
Harsh, Cucum­ber Dream!
 
Thank­ful­ly, it seems you have oth­er reviews. Let’s see what’s recent­ly been stamped with your seal of approval.
Thanks, Cucum­ber Dream!
Heyyyyyyyyy
Who’s that jump­ing onto the scene?
 
Why, it’s none oth­er than Cal­i­for­nia native “Heyyyyyyyyy,” which is a name that I craft­ed by Pho­to­shop­ping her orig­i­nal name into a greet­ing that she pre­sum­ably uti­lizes on a con­stant basis when meet­ing with friends.
 
Heyyyyyyyyy has just come to Port­land in search of food. Name­ly, she’s on the hunt for sushi.
 
There are sev­er­al things wrong with this review that I’d like to point out. First and fore­most, Heyyyyyyyyy was “real­ly hop­ping” for some “ok sushi.” Upon set­ting foot in Port­land, she trans­formed into a frog with a han­ker­ing for some raw fish slices.
 
Beyond that, the idea that Port­land does not have “ok sushi” based off of her expe­ri­ences at a sin­gle sushi bar is incred­i­ble to me. There are plen­ty of sushi places in Port­land, and a lot of them are extreme­ly good. Hell, we have an award-win­ning sushi restau­rant here.
 
I am assum­ing that Heyyyyyyyyy suf­fers from a crip­pling dis­or­der, how­ev­er: object per­ma­nence.
 
If it’s not in her field of view, it doesn’t exist. If you were to show Bam­boo Sushi’s awards to Heyyyyyyyyy, she would be enthralled and demand to vis­it the restau­rant, but the sec­ond the awards leave her sight she is lost upon the dark waves of crav­ings, pin­ing for a sushi that nev­er was.
 
Also, duck­face? Real­ly?
 
Real­lyyyyyyyyy?
YouTube Jones
I’ve named YouTube Jones after one of the reviews I’ll be talk­ing about lat­er, where­in he raves angri­ly about a bar that he used to, in turn, rave pos­i­tive­ly about to his YouTube chan­nel. YouTube Jones, I already care less about your chan­nel that I was not aware of ten sec­onds ago.
 
You, how­ev­er, are an amaz­ing spec­i­men.
 
There are a few things that YouTube Jones loves to do in his reviews:
 
-Mis­spell words.
-Tell tales.
-Take con­text­less pho­tos of ATMs.
 
We’re going to be tak­ing a look at all three instances of these bul­let­points here.
 
First, we have a review of a bar.
I’ve left the sec­ond review at the bot­tom in because I believe that there is a tale to be told in the star rat­ings. YouTube Jones finds the con­fines of jail more appeal­ing than a saloon. He had less neg­a­tive tales to tell about a state pen­i­ten­tiary than he did a small bar on the cor­ner of a street. I also find that his sto­ry about the saloon doesn’t real­ly make any sense, and I feel like he may have overex­ag­ger­at­ed.
 
His fol­low­ing reviews fare no bet­ter in my mind.
If you’ve read that review, con­grat­u­la­tions!
 
If you’re skim­ming, let me sum­ma­rize this for you: YouTube Jones went to a gas sta­tion, bought two gal­lons of milk, and — to his shock — they were not good.
 
YouTube Jones then went on to say that he went to an actu­al gro­cery store “just down the street.” Lo and behold, their milk was fine. My favorite state­ment is that he “maybe left the gal­lons of milk out, even though he didn’t leave the gal­lons of milk out.”
 
YouTube Jones… Are you hid­ing some­thing?
 
Did you leave your gas sta­tion milk out, YouTube Jones?
I can’t say much about this one. He clear­ly was going to give this gym one star, if it were not for a girl work­ing out there that is “soooooooo HOT” and he likes that there are hot girls at the gym.
 
I feel like YouTube Jones has nev­er touched gym equip­ment in his life, and he may have just been star­ing through the win­dow long­ing­ly.
 
Final­ly, we have these two reviews:
There are no star rat­ings. There are no reviews. There are only ATMs.
 
Truth be told, these may be my two favorite reviews. There is no bias in their deal­ings — no star rat­ing weigh­ing down upon any words that may be spo­ken. Only a name, a place, and an ATM.
 
You’ve redeemed your­self in my eyes for these ones, YouTube Jones.
 
God bless.
Edi­tor, Cul­ture