Caffeine Addiction 101

Leo Marx
Written by Leo Marx

So, you’re new to the world renowned drug known as “caf­feine.” Look no fur­ther — Mr. Marx is here to guide you.

Let’s get the first (and prob­a­bly most impor­tant) rule out of the way:
Cof­fee is the only sub­stance of choice for indulging in caf­feine.
All oth­er options are bull­shit meth­ods of inges­tion, and should not be relied upon under any cir­cum­stance save for a real need of a fix. This is a sim­ple rule, and it needn’t fur­ther expla­na­tion.

Rule two: coffee is to be had black.

Cream and sug­ar are for the weak. If you must spice up your cof­fee, I would high­ly sug­gest whisk(e)y.

Once you’ve mas­tered these two, you’re on your way to an elite addic­tion. As with most of these, caf­feine is like a coun­try club - it will take much more from you than it will even­tu­al­ly give back.
Caf­feine will - no mat­ter your race or creed - cause you need to shit furi­ous­ly until you’ve adapt­ed to it, and sig­nif­i­cant­ly increase the inten­si­ty of your urges to uri­nate. I can’t tell you how long this’ll last, or if the side effects will ever go away. I think that peo­ple just become used to them, though you can coun­ter­act their sever­i­ty but increas­ing your dai­ly water intake.
Now that you are a caf­feine addict, you’ll need to tack­le what any good addict of any drug does: snob­bery pre­ven­tion.
Nobody likes a weed snob, and the same goes for a cof­fee snob. Find your­self a sim­ple brew you like, and stick to it. Noth­ing crazy.
Get a cup — and only a basic cof­fee cup.
Don’t be flashy. Six foot bongs are stu­pid, and so are high-end mugs. A good alco­holic sticks to some­thing sim­ple, and so should you.
Caf­feine addic­tion is a dou­ble-edged sword, but that doesn’t mean you have to get cut by it. Fol­low these rules, and you will be fine.
Or don’t… this is only a rant of The Mad Mind of Marx.