Let’s get the first (and probably most important) rule out of the way:
coffee.
Coffee is the only substance of choice for indulging in caffeine.
All other options are bullshit methods of ingestion, and should not be relied upon under any circumstance save for a real need of a fix. This is a simple rule, and it needn’t further explanation.
Rule two: coffee is to be had black.
Cream and sugar are for the weak. If you must spice up your coffee, I would highly suggest whisk(e)y.
Once you’ve mastered these two, you’re on your way to an elite addiction. As with most of these, caffeine is like a country club - it will take much more from you than it will eventually give back.
Caffeine will - no matter your race or creed - cause you need to shit furiously until you’ve adapted to it, and significantly increase the intensity of your urges to urinate. I can’t tell you how long this’ll last, or if the side effects will ever go away. I think that people just become used to them, though you can counteract their severity but increasing your daily water intake.
Now that you are a caffeine addict, you’ll need to tackle what any good addict of any drug does: snobbery prevention.
Nobody likes a weed snob, and the same goes for a coffee snob. Find yourself a simple brew you like, and stick to it. Nothing crazy.
Get a cup — and only a basic coffee cup.
Don’t be flashy. Six foot bongs are stupid, and so are high-end mugs. A good alcoholic sticks to something simple, and so should you.
Caffeine addiction is a double-edged sword, but that doesn’t mean you have to get cut by it. Follow these rules, and you will be fine.
Or don’t… this is only a rant of The Mad Mind of Marx.