Santa Claus is Dead

David Blue
Written by David Blue
Con­trary to all present sen­ti­ment I’ve pub­lished In Red, I find sub­stan­tial mer­it in “just be rea­son­able” as the first step in a cohe­sive soci­ety. I can’t pro­vide you with a sat­is­fac­to­ry def­i­n­i­tion of “rea­son­able” just yet, but I’m work­ing on it.
In the late 18th cen­tu­ry, the West began prac­tic­ing a quaint form of win­try pro­pa­gan­da — cel­e­brat­ing an omni­scient, sea­son­al home invad­er who’d ter­ror­ize their peace­ful Decem­ber nights, pos­sessed by his rav­en­ous obe­si­ty. Par­ents would inform their chil­dren of his all-see­ing, year-round judg­ment: if they were “good,” he would bring tri­fles, but if they were “bad,” he would bring flam­ma­ble resources for warmth or trade.
Of course, he was a work of fic­tion, but the adult pop­u­lace went so far as to actu­al­ly pre­med­i­tate and coor­di­nate their mass lie.
A fat God from the Wastes shall enter our house in the night with­out per­mis­sion, but at least we’ll have some coal. His soci­ety of small aliens man­u­fac­tured your Mac­Book out of license, though, so I’m afri­ad you’ll need to severe­ly deface or destroy it tomor­row morn­ing.

The thing is…

This cru­el and archa­ic rit­u­al is still in prac­tice on a gar­gan­tu­an scale. I’d elab­o­rate, but my dead­line is clos­ing (I’m on the toi­let,) and it’s sta­tis­ti­cal­ly like­ly that you’re the sort of fuck who finds it heart­warm­ing and com­mu­nal that news orga­ni­za­tions are still “in on it.”

“In on it” is pre­cise­ly how you describe par­tic­i­pants in glob­al con­spir­a­cies, as well.
Franky, The Verge’s inex­emp­tion from the whole thing has made me a bit grumpy, but we don’t have time for shit like this, folks.
I under­stand that it’s impor­tant to be ground­ed by tra­di­tion, occa­sion­al­ly, but wast­ing any of your talent’s time and resources on hun­dreds-year-old tra­di­tions is just foul.

If you’re going to lie, at least make it enter­tain­ing.