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Facebook Slain

WRECKED
 
Face­book is cur­rent­ly down.
Should you feel the need to vis­it Face­book dot com this morn­ing, you’re a par­tic­i­pant in the final down­fall of the human intel­lect — or at least, you would be, were our Neo­hell acces­si­ble. I’m not sure how or why you made your way here — this is not a fuck­ing news web­site. What were you think­ing? Per­haps you are here because — piti­ful­ly — Mark Fuck’s Beloved Brain Blaster is your pri­ma­ry source of “news,” and you’ve been fran­ti­cal­ly Googling for an alter­na­tive.
You — I hope you are not stu­pid enough to be mourn­ing. Do you real­ize how utter­ly essen­tial it is that it nev­er come back online? One third of the god­damn species sees that hor­ri­ble fuck­ing blue, mediocre, mushy design every sin­gle day. Imag­ine the cumu­la­tive strain on our col­lec­tive psy­che! Face­book user­ship is not only uncool, it is 100% anti-social­ly irre­spon­si­blea direct attack on your fel­low man and their mind — the only unique fea­ture of our pasty, bio­log­i­cal exis­tence. Do you have any idea how elat­ed I am by the idea that I may not have to post this on our Face­book page? All oth­er social media ser­vices with “social cards” han­dle them in such a way that makes Facebook’s clum­si­ness look two thou­sand years old. I should not have to reg­u­lar­ly use the pro­pri­etary social cards check­er of the world’s most intel­lec­tu­al­ly pow­er­ful com­pa­ny to make sure my posts are cor­rect­ly for­mat­ted in 2017.
 
Nobody seems to know much yet, but if one of you hap­pens to be respon­si­ble for this out­age, you are a no-shit hero of the peo­ple. Please do what you can to make it dis­ap­pear for as long as you pos­si­bly can, so that we may have a slight chance of sav­ing all of this.
Edi­tor-in-Chief