Facebook is currently down.
Should you feel the need to visit Facebook dot com this morning, you’re a participant in the final downfall of the human intellect — or at least, you would be, were our Neohell accessible. I’m not sure how or why you made your way here — this is not a fucking news website. What were you thinking? Perhaps you are here because — pitifully — Mark Fuck’s Beloved Brain Blaster is your primary source of “news,” and you’ve been frantically Googling for an alternative.
You — I hope you are not stupid enough to be mourning. Do you realize how utterly essential it is that it never come back online? One third of the goddamn species sees that horrible fucking blue, mediocre, mushy design every single day. Imagine the cumulative strain on our collective psyche! Facebook usership is not only uncool, it is 100% anti-socially irresponsible: a direct attack on your fellow man and their mind — the only unique feature of our pasty, biological existence. Do you have any idea how elated I am by the idea that I may not have to post this on our Facebook page? All other social media services with “social cards” handle them in such a way that makes Facebook’s clumsiness look two thousand years old. I should not have to regularly use the proprietary social cards checker of the world’s most intellectually powerful company to make sure my posts are correctly formatted in 2017.
Nobody seems to know much yet, but if one of you happens to be responsible for this outage, you are a no-shit hero of the people. Please do what you can to make it disappear for as long as you possibly can, so that we may have a slight chance of saving all of this.