Haha, hi, what’s up? I know I’m prob­a­bly the 20th per­son to slide into your DMs today but I just couldn’t resist the ‘vibe’ on your pro­file. You have this alter­na­tive, quirky aes­thet­ic, and I’m real­ly into it. How do you even come up with your ideas? You’re a real­ly spe­cial tal­ent, I can tell.


Before I get into the main rea­son I’m send­ing this mes­sage — have you ever con­sid­ered being a mod­el? Not just an Insta­gram mod­el, a real mod­el. Like for a Vice mar­ket­ing cam­paign or some­thing. You have a real­ly spe­cif­ic look and you might look good if you were pho­to­shopped a cer­tain way. (That was a “neg”, haha. It’s this gross pick-up artist tech­nique, I would nev­er do it per­son­al­ly but I can explain it to you in detail if you like.)


Okay, so, let’s cut to the chase. Why am I slid­ing into your DMs? The direct mes­sages. The old inbox-a-roonie. Well, the truth is, I saw your work on social media, and it blew my mind. I mean, whoah, to do the work you do? You must real­ly know how to use your Mac­book. Not every­one can do stuff like that. I mean, I see a lot of work on the inter­net, but your art, wow, you’ve got some amaz­ing stuff online.


You have real poten­tial, you know that? But I don’t wan­na see that poten­tial go to waste. There’s room for improve­ment. I mean, your work is good, don’t get me wrong, haha. But I think we could ele­vate it, do you know what I’m say­ing? Togeth­er we could take it from about a 6 and lift it to a strong 7, pos­si­bly even 8.


Is it weird that I’m send­ing this mes­sage? I don’t want to be too pushy or any­thing! If these mes­sages make you feel uncom­fort­able at any time let me know and I’ll stop. Just gimme a lit­tle heads-up and wave the white flag and these mes­sages will come to a halt. No more mes­sages — except for maybe one or two fol­low-ups where I try to clar­i­fy where I stand with you. Three, tops. No more than three mes­sages to get me out of your hair. I might send a fourth farewell mes­sage, but that’d be the end of it.


The main point I have is about the way you write online. I mean, it’s good, but it needs some more for­mal struc­ture. It’s not your fault, you just don’t know the con­ven­tial rules of writ­ing. You could be amaz­ing if some­one just showed you how to write prop­er­ly. Maybe I could teach you how? Like, noth­ing too intense, haha, I just have some tips that might save you some time and improve your work. Like, did you know that you’re sup­posed to get up and walk around for 10 min­utes every hour? And drink a cou­ple litres of water every day.


Haha, I’m just try­ing to help! Doing this stuff could real­ly help ele­vate your work. If you were a good writer instead of a bad writer, you’d be much more suc­cess­ful.


The oth­er main point I have is about your pho­tog­ra­phy. Now, hon­est­ly, it’s shit. Sor­ry to be so blunt but I’m just kind of a bru­tal­ly hon­est per­son. Yes, it’s true, I’m only ever hon­est when it involves me being cru­el and nev­er when I’m being reflec­tive or pos­i­tive, but some peo­ple just can’t han­dle that. I think you can, though. You’re spe­cial. Us spe­cial peo­ple have to stick togeth­er.


Are you sin­gle? Haha, just kid­ding, you don’t have to answer that. Unless you want to. Then in that case I’d like you to answer it imme­di­ate­ly.


So, with your pho­tog­ra­phy, next time you’re tak­ing a pho­to, just think to your­self, “Is this pho­to shit?”. Then, if the answer is yes, don’t take the pho­to. I per­son­al­ly don’t use this tech­nique (unnec­es­sary for me) but if you did it I think it would real­ly improve your work. If you need some guide­lines on what a good pho­to looks like I could send you a .zip file of all my Face­book cov­er pho­tos from 2015 onwards and you can start from there, haha, they’re all pret­ty good. Maybe that would help you fig­ure out if pho­tog­ra­phy is a real­is­tic career goal for you.


My last tip is more gen­er­al. It’s a pret­ty good tip though, in my opin­ion: you need to try hard­er. I mean I like your work, but it just feels like you aren’t ful­ly com­mit­ted. Maybe you should quit your job? Then you’d have more time to spend on your art. An artists’ salary is prob­a­bly more than you make now, haha. Think of quit­ting your job as a long term invest­ment! I won’t say more on this though, since I’m not a finan­cial expert — don’t want to be too pre­sump­tu­ous!


We need more good art in the world. And less bad art. That’s prob­a­bly a con­tro­ver­sial opin­ion, but I’ve nev­er been afraid of speak­ing my truth.


I have much more advice to tell you but I’ll leave that for lat­er in our DM dia­logue. I already feel con­fi­dent we’ll get along, so if you’re inter­est­ed in sav­ing some time, just send me your phone num­ber. We can chat over Face­Time Audio (but no oth­er ser­vice, I refuse to pay for a cell­phone plan out of prin­ci­ple) and fig­ure out your long-term career plan. I’m get­ting so excit­ed right now, think­ing of all the amaz­ing things I’m going to accom­plish now that we’ve con­nect­ed! We’re going to take your art career from being that vul­ner­a­ble amoe­ba into being a beau­ti­ful, incan­des­cent but­ter­fly.


There’s a lot of rude guys out there, so as one of the nice ones I’d real­ly appre­ci­ate it if you take my advice on board. I see a lot of poten­tial in you, haha!


P.S. Haha, have you ever con­sid­ered being less angry when you post online? I think your work would be more pop­u­lar if you were nicer. You’ll attract more flies with hon­ey than vine­gar!

Cre­ative type in Syd­ney who’s pas­sion­ate about screen media, design,
and some oth­er third thing.

Every Sun­day,
The Tone aggre­gates paths to the most rel­e­vant con­ver­sa­tions of the week
in a
super-digestible newslet­ter
with inter­nal and exter­nal links to our pre­ferred con­tent.


A film review by David Blue

The secret to Han Solo’s moral and emo­tion­al resilien­cy is noth­ing more than halt­ed devel­op­ment. The same old inner con­flict between the tough, ruth­less­ly self-inter­est­ed per­sona he does his best to project for every­one around him and the con­sis­tent real­i­ty of his soft insides was pre­sent­ed in his first scene way back in 1977, and we’re now sure that he was unable to make any progress toward its res­o­lu­tion despite open­ly and obvi­ous­ly brood­ing over it for an entire life­time: from at least as ear­ly as his young adult­hood in this film until his death at the hands of his lit­tle Sith son. There is 0 vari­a­tion. He always comes back for the cause at the cru­cial moment after declar­ing him­self through with it. With­out fail, he’ll sac­ri­fice the entire­ty of any self-mak­ing enter­prise for just about any under­dog with a prob­lem who cross­es his path. (Which prob­a­bly explains his con­stant­ly-fleet­ing suc­cess as a smug­gler well into gray hair and jowls.) The film is abun­dant­ly clear about Han’s true nature and very will­ing to expose out how unin­ter­est­ing it is.



An investigative report by K. I. Eleutherios XVII

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